The Ship’s Cat

Feline Agony Angels

Hey! It’s Me, It’s Nellie, I’m back… — 2021-05-03

Hey! It’s Me, It’s Nellie, I’m back…

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Do you have a problem that needs fixin’…?

Dear All

You might remember me, the ship’s cat, I tried to escape from Mexico back to England. Do you remember how I had a terrible time bein’ kidnapped? When I was whisked away in the middle of the night, when the storm was all thunder an’ lightening with windows rattling, an’ people outside screamin’, when I was stolen from my mom in England an’ smuggled to that terrible ship in Mexico. Now I’m on the run, I’ve got to know loads of those Mexican harbour an’ dustbin cats.

Me an’ my new Mexican friends, we’ve spotted a gap in the market, now we’re agony angels sorting cat’s everyday problems an’ poor owners who have no one to turn to. Like I already told you, it wasn’t easy bein’ a ship’s cat, the food was bad an’ I don’t like catching’ ship’s vermin.

I want to get back to England, to find my mom an’ bein’ a cat’s angel is the best way to do it…

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Please Help! I Got No Insurance… — 2021-05-13

Please Help! I Got No Insurance…

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Do you know a good insurance man…?

Dear Nellie

Oh Nellie, I’m beside myself with worry, I’ve just found out my owner didn’t pay the pet insurance.

I was lying on the veterinary’s table, she was fixing my girly glands and happened to mentioned to my owner it was gonna be expensive. I was gonna need an anaesthetic and an operation, and even be kept in the pet hospital a few days. I’m in so much pain Nellie, I was desperate for an operation, I need the operation to be myself again. Then my whole world collapsed.

Right in front of my eyes it all just collapsed, it just fell apart like that. My owner told the veterinary that he’d not paid the pet insurance. The veterinary stopped right there, she put down her cutting knife and told my owner that she had bills to pay too you know. My owner asked what bills – and the veterinary told him about her kid’s school fees and husband’s car payments, then she explained about their new house mortgage and their holiday. My owner told her he’d not had a holiday in twenty years.

What do I do Nellie? I’m gonna be a crippled cat with no pet insurance. Can you help me Nellie, can you help me find some all-inclusive comprehensive pet insurance…?

Nimbo from Newcastle

May 2021

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Siamese, She Knows Everything — 2021-05-10

Siamese, She Knows Everything

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Siamese The Ships Cat

One more sense makes Shabby one sensible Cat…

Dearest Nellie

Ten-thousand years it’s taken us Siamese to hone our feline instincts Nellie, now we are forever using our six senses to help poor owners who only have five. Our sixth sense might be good for spotting which owners are a soft touch and which ones are dog lovers, but every Siamese will tell you how tiring it is keeping all six senses together while still finding time to sleep our eighteen hours. We do our best Nellie, but with owners having five and those stupid dogs three, it can be back-breaking work making sure we’re loved and adored by Kind Old Ladies.

Every cat I talk to nowadays complains about how hard it is to find a Kind Old Lady. It’s the topic of every cat conversation, just like owners who bang on about the weather. Cats bemoan this sixth sense challenge as tho it was a chore deliberately sent from dog alley, sixth sense this and six sense that, dog this and puppy that, lots of dispirited downhearted Siamese I know talk about nothing else.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking why is this Siamese beefing about how hard it is to use all six senses. The thing is Nellie, my reason for writing to you, is that I have seven.

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Everyone Makes Fun of Me — 2021-05-02

Everyone Makes Fun of Me

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I’m an ugly cat with no one to turn to…

Dear Nellie

Well, look at my picture, what do you think? I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking the same as all those other cats, you’re thinking, jeez, what an ugly cat, she’s got no fur. Even owners gape and won’t stroke me. Dearest Nellie, I hope you can help me, I’m at my wits end, I’ve got no friends and I get cold.

I heard about you and your agony angels from the dustbin cat, she stayed behind when I got bullied down by the bins. I only went there to see if I could make a friend. The usual thing happened – I tried my best to talk and join in, but when all those cats saw me they started laughing and rolling on the floor, you know, those loud bellyache laughs that get to you and make you cry.

I cried lots Nellie, lots and lots, but only when those horrible cats couldn’t see me cry…

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Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm — 2020-09-16

Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm

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Two down and three to go, can you help save these desperate little Moggies…?

Dear Nellie,

We’re writing to you because we’re so desperate, I’m the spokesperson-cat for my two little sisters, two brothers and me. My name is Nibbles, I’m slightly the oldest of we five kittens and we heard about you from one of the farmyard cats up at the farm.

The terrible news is there’s only three of us now, we live on a sheep farm in Cumbria and lost our mom in a tractor accident a few weeks by. Now we are left to fend for ourselves. The old farmer here put us in a cardboard box then stuck us in his barn, saying we would have to look after ourselves. He told us he was way too busy with all the sheep on his farm. The farmer brings us food now and then, then we got suckled a day or two by another mom, though she left coz she was only passing through. The other two farmyard cats here bring us a mouse sometimes, not very often but by sticking together we just about get by.

Our problem Nellie, is foxes. There’s a gang of foxes up by the culvert there and they’ve got a nose on us, knowing we’re all helpless living here in our cardboard box….

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