Mollie The Moggie From Manchester

Mollie The Moggie From Moss Side Has A Terrible Dilemma…

Dear Nellie

I’m desperate and don’t know what to do. Now I am four years old, a lone female moggy-cat living on the streets ever since my stupid owner lost his job, saying he could no longer afford to keep me and that I must quickly go. It took a while for me to realise I wasn’t loved anymore, the first sign was when I was let out of the apartment at nighttime without any food then told to go and find my own. Often I had to sit outside the door waiting to be let back in, usually in the cold pouring rain when sometimes I would sit under the shelter of the dustbins until daylight. I never found much food outside because I’ve always been an indoor cat, I don’t have those hunting instincts like other cats, when I did catch a mouse or a little insect nearly every time they escaped, other cats even laughed at me because I was so bad.

As time went by I got so hungry I even chewed my own tail…

When I got thin and all emaciated my owner told me to leave for good, saying he didn’t want me around his apartment anymore because I was all mangy and smelly. Well, he was all mangy and smelly too but I couldn’t tell him that could I? Nowadays I just hang around the dustbins hoping for little scraps of food, until a few days ago when one other cat told me what to do. He told me I’d be better off jumping into the canal so’s there’d be more scraps to go round for the other cats, he said I’d never be able to hunt for myself so why not just do the right thing by trying to swim to the other side besides the railway tracks, just for the sake of all the cats who are his friends. He knows I can’t even swim. Now he goes on about this all the time, they’ve all started to bully me and I shake and shiver whenever the nighttime comes. I dread things when the moon comes out and I have nowhere else to go.

Another cat, a nice lady cat who hangs around the bus stop told me about you and the terrible time you’ve had too. She said you do an Agony Aunt advice thing and why not give you my one last chance try? So what do you think Nellie? Do you think I should try to swim that awful canal to the other side and see if my life is better over there? Even tho I will probably never make it and someone will fish me out all lifeless and sodden like a horrible rat?

Mollie, Moss Side, Manchester


Dear Mollie

Oh honey, I feel for you, I really do. You can make it to the other side because desperate cats always do. Yes, I’ve had such a terrible time too, when I was kidnapped and shipped off to Mexico I didn’t myself know what to do. I was made to be a ship’s cat when I didn’t even wanna be a ship’s cat so I know how bad things can be when there’s hardly anything you can do. I can tell you stories that’d fill your eyes with tears, seriously you never wanna be a ship’s cat for as long as you ever are alive.

That man-cat sounds beastly, so does that horrible owner of yours too. But that economy thing in Moss Side is so bad that sometimes cat owners are losing their jobs all the time. But you’ve gotta listen honey, I fell into the sea twice then desperately learned to swim as I went by, I got chased by sharks and an octopus thing so you gotta believe that you can swim too… when you know you’ve gotta swim for your dear life then you’ll swim like you’d never believe. You can make it across that stinking canal to begin your new life on the other side, all you need is to be made to do it and that bully cat with his friends are just the thing to make you go. Would you jump into that horrible canal otherwise? No cat ever did that sort of thing by choice you know? There’s a terrible reason those smelly canals are full of dead cats you know.

Over the other side there’ll be sunshine and Kitekat and that really nice Whiskers food too. There’ll be other nice lady cats with gentleman cats, kindly owners who’ll take care of you and show you what to do. It could be a new life for you on the other side, then you can show that bastard bully cat that you showed him a thing or two.

So go for it honey, the next time that bully cat starts on at you just jump into that grimy water and show him what you can do. It’ll wipe that smarmy smile off his face, then your life’s gonna change like you wouldn’t believe. Sadly, it’s not like that for me tho, I suffer everyday here on this ship but little rays of sunshine like you Mollie always brighten up my oh so wantonly miserable life when I’m wandering what to do.

As for that horrid cat owner who disowned you, can’t you sneak back into his smelly flat somehow and shit into his box of nut & raisin cornflakes?

Nellie the Ship’s Cat

July 2018

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