Cabbage & Carrots, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Hammy From Norfolk’s Stinky Cabbages…

Dear Nellie,

You’re a cat, you tell me how I can keep my neighbour’s three moggies out of my cabbages. Next door’s cats are in my garden all the time, shitting and pissing all over the place making it stink and killing my green beans. I’m no lover of cats or dogs and I’ve been putting up with this for nearly ten years now, countless times I’ve argued with my neighbours over it but he’s six foot four and I’m only a bit over five foot. My wife says I’m paranoid because all day long I’m staring out the window waiting for their moggies to appear amongst my lettuces and sure enough there they are.

So you tell me what’s the best way to stop those cats killing my carrots.

Hammy Hambrook, Norfolk. August 2018


Dear Hammy

Oh dear! Are your carrots all squiggly and bent? The best things me and my sisters can think of is you just fight it out. Your neighbour might be six foot four but if you stand on a box or a crate or something you could just slug it out until one of you has had enough. That way there’ll be a winner and at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. Other than that there’s not much I can suggest.

You could try one of those electronic cat deterrent device things which emit ultrasonic sound waves that are supposed to stop us Kitties dead in our tracks but I’ve never yet heard any cat say they notice noise that drives us insane. Sometimes those sound waves can be quite smoothing, my friend’s cousin’s friend’s uncle who’s a bit of an alley cat says one of those things once made him have an orgasm, which is puzzling because I don’t know what one of those is. The other thing that might work is you board up your window, that way you won’t see anything that gets you into such a rage.

Hope something works for you Hammy.

Nellie The Ship’s Cat

August 2018

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