Anonymous of Nottingham

Anonymous of Nottingham wants to play Cupid…

Dear Nellie,

I’ve got a worrying problem, I just hope you and your spiritual sisters from other misters can help.

I had one of those rough starts in life and ended up in an orphanage with LOADS of other cats. Then on one special day I’ll always remember, a really pretty lady came along to cast her eye over all of us and, even though I’d heard of cats being adopted and getting a better life, I wasn’t hopeful it would ever be me. If I can be perfectly honest with you Nellie, I’m one of those cats who carry a little bit of extra weight.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe my luck when the pretty lady picked me out of all the other cats and right now I’m like a pig in clover – so what’s the problem I hear you saying…?

Well, it’s not me Nellie, it’s my new lady owner… she’s so lovely and adorable that she deserves more of a man than me. I’m doing good myself you understand, but I think my gorgeous owner deserves one of those loving human relationship too (providing any new man understands he’ll always be loved less than me).

Then I heard on the streets there’s a cute new veterinary in town. So I decided to help things along by trapping my tail in the toilet door – boy did that smart! Anyway, it got me a few visits to the tasty eye-candy veterinary… and yep, I think he might yet realise his place is in our lovely little home. Me, I all the time dream about the handsome veterinary fast asleep cuddled in the arms of my perfect lady.

So to help things along more thoroughly I next pulled out a couple of my claws – eye watering pain or what! That got us more visits to that cute veterinarian and they seem to be getting along fine… but neither of them will pop the question. 

Nellie Cat, I’m just wondering what I can do next? I have to be honest, although I love my pretty lady beyond any measure of description, this self-inflicted pain is really beginning to hurt!

Any advice would be welcome Nellie Cat.

Anonymous of Nottingham.


Dear Whatever-your-name-is,

Well, you are talking to the very cat who knows all about suffering. I was kidnapped myself you know, then whisked away in the middle-of-the-night to be a ship’s cat when I never even wanted to be a ship’s cat. That’s why I understand the pain you went through in that kitty orphanage… and all that extra weight you carry never makes things easy.

If I can be honest with you too Mr Anonymous, your Cupid ambition is a well worn route that many other cats have trodden before you. Our friendly veterinary Mildred says 96% of all married veterinarians met their other halves through desperate kitties feigning some sort of injury or other – but Mildred needs pictures honey. If you can send a picture of this eye-candy veterinary then Mildred will take a look to cast her expert opinion. Then, no doubt, she’ll stick it on her ‘handsome gentleman veterinary wall’ alongside all those others. But if we can see pictures then all of us here can make a real proper assessment on how handsome this veterinary is.

What you do next whatever-your-name is really is quite straightforward, any streetwise street cat will tell you that. You gotta keep getting injured. You’re not the only cat that’s going in there you know, if he’s eye-candy class then most cats in the neighbourhood are going in there with appointments under the same false pretences.

You gotta get injured bad, if you’re injured real bad then you can get one of those emergency appointment things. But first you gotta remember your life must be hanging by the thinnest of threads… because that veterinary has to be seriously seen to save your life. Only when your little feline heart suddenly begins to beat again, against all the impossible odds, will their two hearts meet beneath one of those radiant sunbeams from heaven, you know, one of those rays of sunshine you sometimes see on tinned catfood adverts.

So your next injury has to be far more serious honeypot. But don’t you over do it now, if that vulnerable heart of yours fails to get going again then the tabby cat with the next appointment is gonna get that man.

Do you understand exactly what you gotta do Mister Anonymous of Nottingham?

Nellie Cat

September 2018

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