How Me and My Team Became Incredible Feline Angels

Did you know that I tried to find myself a good London lawyer, one who could help me get paid some wages? Well, I found one who said she wouldn’t rescue me, but would legally advise me. Then my friend the Mexican dustbin cat told me to be very careful, he said I’d get something called a bill, he said it could even be a rich London lawyer’s bill.

So my new London lady lawyer, who is rich and simply adores me, said the way words were written in my Ship’s Cat job-description contract was quite important, then she said I’d been tricked, she said that under Maritime Law ship’s cats don’t have any rights. Nothing! No proper rights at all! How’s that for injustice eh?

I got all upset and started crying, my Mexican friend consoled me saying now was a good time for me to think about having his kittens…

But then my fancy London lawyer reckoned it might be best me making my own money to pay my way back to England, she also said it’d be a good way to pay my not inconsiderable legal bill, whatever that means.

So my rich London lawyer said the best thing I might do was to find one of those gaps in the market.

My London lawyer said my situation was typical of a ship’s cat that’s been captured in the middle of the night against her will then kidnapped, she said it happens all too often. She also told me being press-ganged has been illegal for three hundred years, it’s called Impressment and was started by something called the Recruitment Act of 1703 but that it didn’t even apply to cats, so what happened to me wasn’t illegal. What do you think to that? How big an injustice is that? So that’s when she said I’d be better off finding a gap in the market.

So first I had to know exactly what was this thing called a gap in the market. My rich London lawyer said it’s something called a business opportunity but I didn’t know what that was either… it’s ever so hard talking things over with a clever London lawyer. Then she said a gap in the market was finding something nobody else did then making lots of money. I tell you, then I got all excited.

Then straightaway I spotted one of those gaps in the market. There was one right there staring at me like a slathering dog on heat. But my posh London lawyer lady said to first do my research, I didn’t do any research because I’m a cat, cats never do research, we do things by instinct and anyway I didn’t even know what research was.

So, I tell you, that’s how I became a simply amazing Feline Agony Aunt. Do you know of any other Feline Agony Aunts? No, well that’s what’s called a gap in the market. A gap in the market is being a Feline Agony Aunt when there’s no other Feline Agony Aunt’s out there giving feline advise to poor little kitties who are all disturbed by having emotional problems they can’t deal with. I know for a fact that 79.3% of cats out there have issues, 26.4% are properly disturbed and eight out of every ten cats love Whiskas. Also, 42.7% of cat owners are weird. So, you see, there really is a gap in the market. Those numbers I gave you, that’s called research.

Did you know that being a Feline Agony Aunt is easy-peasy, it’s also loads of fun. What I found exciting was that it soon turned out I’m real good at it, my predicted business growth curve is curving in an upwards direction and my rich London lawyer even tried to sell me some top-notch business insurance. Then some big City of London bank manager tried to do the same and also a firm of big London bean-counters. Why would I want insurance? I’m a cat. Who’s ever heard of cat insurance?

Straightaway the really sad kitty problems started rolling in and I solved almost all of em, when my ship’s skipper learned I was now an Agony Aunt he came to talk to me too. Why did I want to be a Feline Agony Aunt he asked, I already had a job as a ship’s cat. I told him he didn’t pay me any wages… he said cats don’t ever get paid any wages. When I mentioned the national minimum wage he rolled his eyes, saying why did these things always happen to him. Then he said he has problems with me doing my job right, he said I’m always catching things on shore and bringing them back to his ship which he said is really disturbing and making him anxious, especially the cockroaches he said. I asked him if he needed his kitty problem solving, he asked if it was gonna cost him.

So then I got myself a crew of other ship’s cats who were down on their luck which is something called business expansion, it’s really exciting and sometimes it’s even called business development. Then we found Mildred, she was lying on the sidewalk outside a bar and Mildred became our friendly veterinary. We’re all ever so excited…

We even have a PER thing, it means Price Earnings Ratio but right now we’ve made no money. The money thing’s not important, we enjoy something that’s called entrepreneurial spirit by being out there solving other cat’s problems. Anyway, we can’t make any money yet because of our potential business tax exposure… and we ain’t got a bank account either because of something called a lack of coherent business investment plan, something that projects a balance-sheet thing, it’s what they wanted so’s they’d know what our cash flow was. I said to the bank man our cash flow was gonna be good, our cash was gonna flow right into our back-pockets like nobody’s business, he could be sure of that. He said that might be something called money laundering. I asked him when was the last time he’d heard of a cat getting done for money laundering? He thought a while, smiled and then said I might be onto something, that he’d got certain contacts, contacts who’d like to talk to me about that.

So, all you budding entrepreneurs out there, that’s how cats get a business thing going. Am I inspiring you? Are you all fired up and excited? Are you too looking for a gap in the market? Do I remind you of that man Richard Branson?

We don’t make any money yet because we’re cats and they won’t give us a bank account. They want proof we’re not money laundering but I’m waiting for a call on that, from that bank man who’s got contacts. But right now we need to reach out to you worried cats and you anxious kitty owners so that we can be there for you. We need lots of feline problems so that me and my crew of angels can get stuck in to sort everything.

Then I can get back to England to live with my rich London lady lawyer before she sends me one of those invoice things. She’s gonna love me and cherish me, she’ll look after me and even feed me Sheba…

Nellie the Ship’s Cat, Feline Agony Aunt and Wonderful Cat’s Angel


Read Nellie Cat and her team’s Agony Aunt Column so far…. >

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