Cabbage & Carrots, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Hammy From Norfolk’s Stinky Cabbages…

Dear Nellie,

You’re a cat, you tell me how I can keep my neighbour’s three moggies out of my cabbages. Next door’s cats are in my garden all the time, shitting and pissing all over the place making it stink, they’re killing my green beans. I’m no lover of cats or dogs and I’ve been putting up with this for nearly ten years now, countless times I’ve argued with my neighbours but he’s six-foot four and I’m only a bit over five foot. My wife says I’m paranoid, because all day I’m staring out our window waiting for their moggies to appear amongst my lettuces – and sure enough there they are.

So you tell me, what’s the best way to stop those cats killing my carrots.

Hammy Hambrook, Norfolk. August 2020


Dear Hammy

Oh dear! Are your carrots all squiggly an’ bent? The best things me an’ my Mexican sisters can think of is, you just fight it out. Your neighbour might be six-foot four, but if you stand on a box, or a crate or somethin’, you could just slug it out until one of you has had enough. This way there’ll be a winner an’ at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. Other than this, there’s not much we can tell you.

Mildred says you could try one of those electronic cat deterrent device things, which emit ultrasonic sound waves that are supposed to stop us kitties dead in our tracks – but I’ve never yet heard any cat say they notice noise that drives us insane. Sometimes, those sound waves can be quite smoothing, my friend’s cousin’s friend’s aunt, who I’m told is a bit of a back-alley cat, says one of those things once made her have an orgasmic experience. Which is puzzling, coz cats aren’t much bothered by orgasmic food, orgasmic meat taste like normal meat an’ we don’t like orgasmic vegetables, we don’t like any vegetables, or that salad stuff. The other thing that might work is you board up your window, this way you won’t see nothin’ that gets you into a rampaging rage.

Hope something like this works for you Hammy.

Nellie The Ship’s Cat

August 2020

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