Anonymous of Nottingham wants to play Cupid…

Dear Nellie Cat

Please listen, I’ve got a worrying problem. I just hope you and your spiritual sisters from other misters can help.

I had one of those rough starts in life, I ended up in the orphanage with LOADS of other cats. Then one special day I’ll always remember, a really pretty lady came along to cast her eye over all of us and, even though I’d heard of cats being adopted and getting a better life, I wasn’t hopeful it would ever be me. If I can be perfectly honest with you Nellie – I’m one of those cats who carry a little bit of extra weight.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe my luck when the pretty lady picked me out of all the other cats, right now I’m like a pig in clover – so what’s my problem I hear you saying…?

Well, it’s not me Nellie – it’s my new lady owner… she’s so lovely and adorable that she deserves more of a cat than me. I’m doing good myself, you understand, but I think my gorgeous owner deserves one of those loving human relationship too, providing any new man understands that he will always be loved less than me.

Then I heard on the street there’s a cute new veterinary in town. So I decided to help things along by trapping my tail in the toilet door – boy did that smart! Anyway, it got me a few visits to the tasty eye-candy veterinary… and yep, I think he might yet realise his place is in our lovely little home, under the watchful eye of my love-starved owner. Me, I all the time dream about the handsome veterinary fast asleep cuddled in the arms of my perfect lady.

So to help things along, I next pulled out a couple of my claws – eye watering pain or what! That got us more visits to that cute veterinarian and they seem to be getting along fine… but neither of them will pop the question. 

Please help me Nellie, my tail is hurting and I can’t injure myself much more, please help my lady to fall in love with that perfect veterinary.

Anonymous of Nottingham.

Dear Whoever You Are,

Well, you are talkin’ to the cat who knows all about sufferin’. I was kidnapped myself you know, then zoomed away in the middle-of-the-night to be a ship’s cat, when I never even wanted to be a ship’s cat. That’s why I understand the pain you went through in that kitty orphanage… an’ all that extra weight you carry never makes things easy. Can’t you cut down on those carbs those veterinaries try to force on us?

If I can be honest with you Anonymous, your cupid ambition is a well-worn route tons of other cats have already trodden before you. Our friendly veterinary Mildred, she says nearly 96% of married veterinarians met their other halves through desperate little kitties feigning some sort of injury or other – but Mildred needs pictures honey. If you can send a picture of this eye-candy veterinary then Mildred will take a look to cast her expert opinion. Then, no doubt, she’ll stick it on her ‘handsome gentleman veterinary wall’ alongside all those others. But if we can see pictures, then all of us here can make a real proper assessment on how handsome this veterinary is.

What you do next whatever-your-name-is, is easily straightforward. Any streetwise street cat will tell you this. You gotta keep getting yourself injured. You’re not the only cat that’s going in there you know, if he’s eye-candy class then most cats in your neighbourhood are goin’ in with appointments using the same false pretences. It’s an age-old ruse that’s been goin’ since those Egyptian cats did it.

You gotta get injured bad, if you’re injured real bad then you can get one of those emergency appointment things. But first, you gotta remember your life gotta be hanging by the thinnest of threads… because this veterinary is gonna save your life. Only when your little feline heart suddenly begins to beat again, against all the impossible odds, will their two hearts meet beneath one of those radiant sunbeams from heaven – you know, one of those rays of sunshine you sometimes see on canned catfood adverts.

So your next injury has to be more serious honeypot. But don’t you over do it now, if that vulnerable heart of yours fails to get going again then the tabby cat with the next appointment is gonna get that man.

Do you understand exactly what you gotta do Anonymous of Nottingham?

Nellie Cat

September 2020

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