I’m an ugly cat with no one to turn to…

Dear Nellie Cat

Well, look at my picture, what do you think? I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking the same as all those other cats, you’re thinking, jeez, what an ugly cat, she’s got no fur. Even owners gape and won’t stroke me. Dearest Nellie, I hope you can help me, I’m at my wits end, I’ve got no friends and I get cold.

I heard about you and your agony angels from the dustbin cat, she stayed behind when I got bullied down by the bins. I only went there to see if I could make a friend. The usual thing happened – I tried my best to talk and join in, but when all those cats saw me they started laughing and rolling on the floor, you know, those loud bellyache laughs that get to you and make you cry.

I cried lots Nellie, lots and lots, but only when those horrible cats couldn’t see me cry…

The one dustbin cat, she picked me up and brushed me down, she said ‘honey, you sure ugly, you best talk to Nellie cat.’ It’s not just cats tho Nellie, owners and their friends always stare, I know what they’re thinking, I can see it in their eyes. My owner, she tells them I’m a Sphinx cat, that I’m not supposed to have any fur, but they touch me to see what I feel like then they laugh and guffaw. I have feelings, I’m no different to any other cat, it’s just that we Sphinx cats don’t have fur.

I can’t take much more Nellie, I want to grow some fur. Can you help me? Can you help me grow some fur?

Nameless from the Shetland Isles – (name withheld).

April 2021

Dear Nameless

Urghh! When we first saw your picture, we had to put it face down on the table. After a while, we drew lots to decide who is gonna deal with this, but our friendly veterinary Mildred said we were bein’ cruel. Mildred says she’s been there (I think she means down by the bins), an’ she says it’s not a nice place to be. I know cruelty, I knew cruelty when I was kidnapped, when I was just a little kitty. Don’t despair tho nameless, we gonna sort this an’ we think we can help.

There’s a few things to consider before we give some thought to you growing some fur. First, you gotta get those emotional feelings under control honeybun, it’s no good blurtin’ your eyes out each time someone walks around the corner an’ sees you for the first time, this won’t help anyone – cats an’ owners have feelings too you know. Second, we think we gotta a short term solution.

A brown paper bag. They’re easy to get hold of an’ you can find em in most bins. To keep yourself sane, pop a bag over your head an’ you’ll find the bellyaching stuff will stop. Plain brown bags are best, coz they’re more inconspicuous an’ no one will notice. Don’t you worry, we’re all in this together, we gonna fix this but first we gotta get your emotions under control. This ain’t a long term solution tho coz we gotta think of the environment an’ it’s the only one we got.

Mildred’s been doin’ some of that research. There’s this thing called the wonders of modern science an’ we think this is what you might need. Wosita suggested one of those coat things, you know, one of those coats you see skinny little dogs in, but none of us wanna go down that route – we don’t want you all poncy lookin’ like that – your owner’ll have you out walkin’ in a kid’s pushchair next. So we gotta go down the science route.

We got our heads together an’ Mildred came up with somethin’ called hair restorer, men owners use it a lot to keep their wives – you can even get colours to add to it so you get your fur just the right shade. Herminia then told us about what they use here in Mexico, it don’t have a name or anythin’, it’s just cow shit mixed with yoghurt. She says this creates a biological solution an’ Mexican men use it all the time – you ever seen their moustaches?

So honey, we got you some comin’ an’ it’s on it’s way to Shetland. We got you some well-known brand of hair restorer, some Mexican cow shit an’ somethin’ called a placebo. Don’t smear it all over together mixed up, we gotta do this the right way an’ Mildred’s after a patent thing for all you Sphinx cats. Us cats don’t even know what a patent is but Mildred’s dead excited.

Just for now, run with the paper bag. This fixes your blurtin’ an’ protects other cats – owners get by by talkin’ to their own angels tho we’re not sure they can fix something like this. Then, when your wonders of modern science get there, we can see what happens an’ we’ll wait with baited breath.

Your stuff’s coming by ship, be prepared with lots of paper bags.

Nellie, The Ship’s Cat

April 2021

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