Do you know a good insurance man…?

Dear Nellie Cat

Oh Nellie, I’m beside myself with worry, I’ve just found out my owner didn’t pay the pet insurance.

I was lying on the veterinary’s table, she was fixing my girly glands and happened to mentioned to my owner it was gonna be expensive. I was gonna need an anaesthetic and an operation, and even be kept in the pet hospital a few days. I’m in so much pain Nellie, I was desperate for an operation, I need the operation to be myself again. Then my whole world collapsed.

Right in front of my eyes it all just collapsed, it just fell apart like that. My owner told the veterinary that he’d not paid the pet insurance. The veterinary stopped right there, she put down her cutting knife and told my owner that she had bills to pay too you know. My owner asked what bills – and the veterinary told him about her kid’s school fees and husband’s car payments, then she explained about their new house mortgage and their holiday. My owner told her he’d not had a holiday in twenty years.

What do I do Nellie? I’m gonna be a crippled cat with no pet insurance. Can you help me Nellie, can you help me find some all-inclusive comprehensive pet insurance…?

Nimbo from Newcastle

May 2021


Dear Nimbo

Well, if they both wanna holiday they should try bein’ stuck here in Panama, it’s where my ship is now. If I had some of that pet insurance I’d get myself outta this stinking rust bucket they call a ship, an’ outta this jungle mosquito hell hole an’ back to find my mom in England. An’ if I had kidnap insurance, I’d be quids in, I’d be outta here before you could say Pancho Gonzales (try saying Pancho Gonzales backwards, I’m told it’s an anagram, I don’t even know what an anagram is).

Nimbo – I talked with our friendly veterinary Mildred. She says there’s nearly two-million veterinaries in this world – an’ nearly four-hundred million cats. By my mathematical reckoning, that’s nearly three veterinaries for every single cat, an’ every one of those veterinaries has gotta eat an’ make a livin’. Like Mildred says, they all wanna topnotch education for their kids, they all got big fancy cars with good number plates an’ they, everyone of em, wanna holiday in Africa. They like to see the animals. The only way those veterinaries are gonna afford all this is if every owner with a cat, an’ every stray back-alley cat, has pet insurance.

So you fell thru the gap of life honeypot, the golden insurance money-pit is the lifeblood of all veterinaries an’ is why all that cat medical care is so expensive, especially if you ain’t got insurance. But don’t you worry sweetheart, we gotta solution. An’ we got a good one.

We say take out your own insurance, don’t rely on them owners to do it. My friend, the Mexican dustbin cat, he’s good with numbers an’ he does cat insurance, he says he has just what you need. Its not pet insurance, coz pets can’t buy pet insurance can they, only owners can buy pet insurance because you’re a pet an’ he’s an owner – do you get my drift? This insurance is called untrustworthy owners insurance, it pays out when your owner forgets to pay the pet insurance. It’s all cosha, this insurance is underwritten by Lloyds of Nigeria, an’ has a twelve star rating on google.

First off, we got some cash, we got nearly ten pounds in our coffee escape fund. It’s to pay my way when I do a runner from this ship to find my mom in England but I’m gonna send this to that mean veterinary of yours. So we’re gonna get you all fixed up, we’re gonna sort those dodgy girly glands an’ payout that veterinary’s education fees. When you’re on that cutting table, you’re gonna lie there all confident an’ calm with a smile on your face, knowing that your health an’ money worries are all taken care of.

We’re on it, go get your fur shaved, you’re as good as fixed up Nimbo my dear.

Nellie Cat, The Ships Cat.

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