Is there a way out for poor Kenny..?

Dear Nellie Cat

I’ve been told by my local dustbin cat that you’re the cat to turn to. Me, I’m a thieving cat… and I’m an addict.

These words took a lot for me to say and a long time for me to say them. For the last year I’ve tried to ignore my addiction, trying to convince myself it was something I could control. But things turned when I took to stealing, I stole my next-door friend’s play fish from right inside his owner’s house. Only then did I realise how the dreamworld I grew up in was gone, how I must find the courage to face the look of shame in my eyes. It’s that catnip Nellie, it sends me wild. It drives me insane.

Being a thief AND an addict made me finally see how far I’ve fallen, no cat should ever fall like I’ve fallen…

I was born into a good family, my mom even knew who my pop was. Me, I have pedigree, not fancy made-up certificate pedigree but real pedigree, but pedigree cats don’t go around stealing do they Nellie, pedigree cats have decorum and they have manners. Not my pedigree though, my cat devil is that catnip, that luring substance of doom impregnated with joy and happiness, that ground-up compound of exhilarating delirium whipped up to make us discerning cats go all spongy-eyed. That catnip – it makes everything so good and dreamlike.

If I tell you how how I waited for my friend to pop his head thru his cat door, how I stalked and watched to see when he left, would you think horrid of me Nellie? I was straight in there, I knew right where the play fish would be and I just stole it. It was dead easy, I felt not a munchkin of guilt. Not until afterwards, when the effects of that dreamy amalgam of shame had worn off. Then I felt terrible. It’s the dark side of that catnip Nellie, the side that leads to crime and me stealing.

Can you help me? Is there a way out Nellie? Will you help me be a normal cat who’s beaten his wide-eyed craving for catnip?

Kenny, the Cat from Kilkenny.

June 2021


Dear Kenny

Yup! We can do that. It’s everyday stuff really, cats get catnip addicted all the time an’ we get lots of letters like yours. An’ we cats are born stealers aren’t we. Even Mildred, our friendly veterinary, has her weaknesses. Mildred’s is gin an’ that chardonnay, she drinks it like there’s a world shortage. An’ she eats that lettuce, she tears at lettuce like nobody’s business. Have you ever tasted that lettuce?

Look, Mildred’s got cream to fix your craving for catnip but I gotta ask if we really need to. Wosita here, she told me about an old Chinese proverb, it goes ‘To know the road ahead, just ask that cat heading back.’ Now that’s some sayin’ eh? There’s a lotta power in that sayin’. What it’s sayin’ is ‘To know the road ahead… just ask that cat heading back.’ Do you get the drift?

What I’m tellin’ you is this. You ain’t creatin’ some new road of cat retribution, it’s already a well-worn road an’ any cat comin’ the other way has already been there. Just ask that cat, that cat will tell you you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about an’ it’s not your fault. Zillions of cats are hooked on that catnip, an’ that’s coz owners get pleasure from seeing their lovable little moggies driven crazy with mindless madness. It’s the same as our friendly veterinary Mildred an’ her gin, you gotta blame whoever it is that grows that gin an’ turns it into the stuff that drives Mildred bonkers. Me an’ my Mexican sisters, we’re workin’ cats so we ain’t got time to go near that catnip, but if you’ve got an owner that twitters an’ giggles when you go catnip crazy then you ain’t gotta chance honeybun. It ain’t your fault.

As for your thievin’, we got you covered on that with another of those proverbs. One more Chinese proverb. According to Herminia an’ some ancient wiseness called Confucius, it says ‘Cat who sees fish thru cat’s eyes, ain’t stealing’, which is a clever way of confirmin’ you ain’t a thief. Thievin’ is against the law made by owners, it’s to make owners feel bad about takin’ stuff from other owners but that law says nothin’ about cats, doesn’t even mention em. So you’re in the clear pidgin pie, we angels find you not guilty – but there is a little thing called a caveat…

What about your down-in-the-dumps next door friend eh? He’ll be all sad coz it’s his rubber fish covered in catnip that’s gone missin’. You gotta trade somethin’ back, you gotta find somethin’ he likes an’ give it. It’s called honour, cat’s honour, some might even call it thieve’s honour but you gotta do it. I’ll tell you this, there was no honour that night I was stolen from my mom an’ kidnapped, that was owners who were thievin’, thievin’ a poor little kitty when they had no right to be thievin’. So you gotta find somethin’ Kenny from Kilkenny, somethin’ that’ll mean somethin’ to make things right.

How about some of that really nice Sheba?

Nellie Cat

June 2021


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