Nellie Cat’s Captain ain’t a happy Captain…

Look here, Nellie Cat…

Where’s my ship’s cat? You supposed to be on this ship catchin’ vermin. That’s your job, you should’na be gallivantin’ around doin’ what you’re doin’, you should be here catchin’ this ship’s vermin’.

I got vermin runnin’ all over this ship, an’ I got no ship’s cat to catch em! An’ my missus, she’s missin’ her pet cat she talks to all day an’ now she’s taken to talkin’ to me. You got no right to be not doin’ your job an’ messin’ with that cat talk, along with them two Mexican cats you met down in the harbour. What d’you think you’re playin’ at eh? You think anyone’s gonna listen to a cat?

So get to fixin’ this Nellie Cat, get back here onboard this ship an’ get things sorted. You got no right to be sortin’ other cats when you’re supposed to be here catchin’ all this vermin…

An’ what’s all this nonsense about you gettin’ kidnapped? Me an’ my missus paid good money for you to be our ship’s cat. Your mom’s owner told us you’d make the best ship’s cat an’ that’s why we paid all that out. Now, we ain’t gotta ship’s cat, coz you’re off tryin’ to get famous an’ me an’ my missus are runnin’ around trying to run this ship… an’ my missus, she keeps on cryin’ coz she ain’t got no cat!

You gotta help us Nellie, you gotta get back here an’ catch this vermin. An’ you gotta stop my missus who keeps on blurtin’.

Your Ship’s Captain,

My Dearest Captain

Look! You don’t even pay me any wages! I’ve got rights an’ should get paid wages! An’ you feed me that Mexican cat food that’s got things in it, things that burn my mouth an’ make my cat shit go all liquid fluid. It’s got old engine oil an’ those nuts an’ bolts in it. My mom’s a pedigree cat an’ I got brought up proper, I shouldn’t be catchin’ vermin onboard your fallin’ apart rust bucket, I should be solvin’ other cat’s problems coz that’s the best way to learn new gossip.

Me an’ my two feline angels might be harbour cats but we got some class you know. An’ we gotta friendly veterinary Mildred who helps us, she says that you should at least pay me some wages. An’ you might not call it kidnap, but everyday little kitties are stolen from their moms an’ taken from their little brothers an’ sisters. It’s called a scandal, little kitties get kidnapped an’ it don’t even make those papers. Owners, they come with big happy smiles an’ big fat wallets, they stroke us then say, ‘Oh, we’ll take that one’ – an’ we just get taken. If that’s not kidnap, then I’m a bright green chocolate orange.

So, you just gotta get used to me bein’ famous. Or I wanna contract, you gotta give me a contract, a contract sayin’ I ain’t got to catch no vermin, that you’re gonna feed me Sheba an’ I’m gonna get some wages. An’ that you gonna love me an’ stroke me, I get a nice warm bed instead of sleepin’ under the engine an’ you make sure I don’t get seasick. You gotta guarantee that one day you’ll make me captain an’ let me write my mom ten times a day. You gotta stop pickin’ your nose an’ finishin’ off my cat food all the time on your sandwich.

You give this some thought, an’ I’ll talk to my agent.

Nellie Cat

My ship’s gotta website, it’s called sailing vessel Sänna.

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No cats were harmed when I made this website. An’ please think of the environment, it’s the only one we got! An’ don’t use those electronic cat-scarers in your garden.

My name is Dave, if you would like to support my hard work in creating & managing the Ship’s Cat website, you can do so by clicking the above link to buy me a coffee. Mine’s a cowboy-style Guatemalan…