Nellie The Ship’s Cat

The Feline Agony Aunt

Barney Got A Name For Gossip — 2018-08-27

Barney Got A Name For Gossip

Nellie the ship’s cat

Eric from Hawaii has a bad language problem…

Dear Nellie,

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you from Hawaii. 

I’m moored in the harbor down there in Honolulu and the sailboat tied right up next to me has a charming ship’s kitty named Barney who’s not very old. They also have a delectable little six year old daughter who’s name it’s best that I don’t divulge.

The little girl follows her father around like a sticky shadow whilst he’s working maintenance on their boat but I’ve noticed she’s picking up her father’s habit of using bad language whenever a boat job goes wrong. This in itself wasn’t too bad to begin with but lately I’ve noticed things are getting much worse. She’s constantly playing with their adorable Barney, which is no bad thing but yesterday I was lying on my bunk with the window hatch open and I happened to hear my neighbour’s young daughter using language to the kitty that a little girl of six really shouldn’t use…

Continue reading

Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak — 2018-08-25

Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak

Sheila From North London

Sheila from North London doesn’t know what to do…

Dear Nellie,

This isn’t really a kitty problem but my downfall came when I took our two female Burmese kittens Pebbles and Petunia to the vets for their first inoculations.

I left the house early so that I would have time to stop off at the vets to leave Pebbles and Petunia in their care before continuing to my work, I had arranged to collect them later in the afternoon on my way home. As usual I left my husband in the house watching the TV, he’s been out of work for the last four months since losing his job as a security guard.

After I left the house I hadn’t driven more than a mile when the engine suddenly died and the car shuddered to a halt. I had no option but to leave our dear little kittens on the rear seat in their pet carrier whilst I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I was in for a terrible shock, my husband was in a passionate embrace with our neighbour’s daughter.

I am 34, my husband is 36, and our neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years…

Continue reading

Cabbages & Carrots — 2018-08-24

Cabbages & Carrots

Cabbage & Carrots, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Hammy From Norfolk’s Stinky Cabbages…

Dear Nellie,

You’re a cat, you tell me how I can keep my neighbour’s three moggies out of my cabbages. Next door’s cats are in my garden all the time, shitting and pissing all over the place making it stink and killing my green beans. I’m no lover of cats or dogs and I’ve been putting up with this for nearly ten years now, countless times I’ve argued with my neighbours over it but he’s six foot four and I’m only a bit over five foot. My wife says I’m paranoid because all day long I’m staring out the window waiting for their moggies to appear amongst my lettuces and sure enough there they are.

So you tell me what’s the best way to stop those cats killing my carrots.

Hammy Hambrook, Norfolk. August 2018

Continue reading

Bengal Tiger Misery… — 2018-07-23

Bengal Tiger Misery…

Bengal Tiger Misery, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Duke & Daisy have it rough in Peurto Vallarta, Northwest Mexico…

Dear Nellie

We’ve heard stories about you fixing things for cats. Well does that mean you can fix stuff for all cats, cats like us?

Me and my sister, we’re two Bengal tigers and we’ve been held prisoners for nearly ten years now in a Mexican zoo. We gotta get outta here coz we’re going crazy. We just sit around all day in this miserable stinking hole whilst holiday making folk in their fancy hats just stand there staring at us with their stupid smiles. Both of us find it demeaning and it’s not what we’re supposed to do, we’re the top-notch of all cats and we got serious historic breeding inside us.

Me, one day I’m surely gonna get outta here but I’m worried about my sister…

Continue reading

I Need A Good Lawyer… — 2018-07-21

I Need A Good Lawyer…


I need a lawyer. Do you know a good lawyer?

I’ve made an adorable friend here in San Carlos, he’s a handsome Mexican cat who lives near the dustbin compound but he knows loads, he tells me I’m being robbed, that I should get myself a lawyer. I like him a lot, he tells me that one day he wants me to have his kittens, he’s all the time going on about that. My Mexican friend tells me lots of other things too… like, I should be paid the national minimum wage for the work I do because he thinks I’m being treated like a slave.

Did you know there’s a minimum wage here in Mexico and it’s eighty-eight Pesos a day? I didn’t know that until my adorable Mexican friend told me. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a national minimum wage or even what a national minimum wage was. And now I’ve found out that back there in England the national minimum wage for a cat is three pounds and seventy an hour. Do you believe that? Did you know that? Me, on this ship I don’t even get paid any minimum wage.

I don’t get paid nothin’, nothin’ at all, I have to work all day and every day just to get my terrible food…

Continue reading