Nellie The Ship’s Cat

The Feline Agony Aunt

Steady Eddie or The Lure of Fresh Fish? — 2018-09-20

Steady Eddie or The Lure of Fresh Fish?



Pebbles from Coventry is worried! Paul or new man Tim… who seems to mysteriously disappear…


Dear Nellie Cat,

I hope you or one of your sisters can help me – you see I’ve got myself into a bit of a situation and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been with my owner Paul for three years and in the beginning it was great, he was affectionate, always checking I was happy, buying me little gifts – nothing was too much trouble for my comfort. But gradually, over the years, he seems to care less and less. He was almost taking me for granted. There’s not so many belly rubs, I get those cheap brands of food from discount stores and the gifts have all but dried up.

Then four weeks ago I was out doing my evening patrol when I accidentally met a nice man Tim. First off it was just the odd ear rub or back scratch but we kept on bumping into each other behind the bike sheds, (ok, so I kinda was waited for him) but after a few weeks of this he lured me to follow him back to his place and, oh man I gotta tell you, I’m definitely punching above my weight! He tempted me with gorgeous fresh fish every time I was there, I got snuggles on the sofa and nothing’s too much trouble. But just as I was thinking I was going to take the leap to move in full time (we hadn’t discussed it, but it felt right) he just disappeared on me for nearly a week, no explanation, no nothing. When he got back he didn’t even try to tell me where he’d been or even if there was another cat or even one of those horribly smelly dogs on the scene. There was nothing, he just expected me to go back to how we were just as though nothing had ever happened.

Now I’m confused Nellie. Do I stay with my owner Paul who is a bit of a Steady Eddie or do I trade up to a new owner Tim, who’s a bit mysterious and is probably unreliable??

Pebbles, Worried in Coventry


Dearest Pebbles

Honey, this has sure taken lots of brain-time thinking about what’s best to do, me and my sisters are well divided on this one. So in utter desperation we turned to our friendly veterinary Mildred because she’s a real expert on men with her always being on the look-out to hook one, especially with all that love stuff she does. But honey, we get lots of letters like yours.

Look, we kitties aren’t exactly known for our loyalty are we. We’re not dogs, we’re independent free spirits, it’s in our genes, we’re still romantic hunters at heart and I can’t ever see us giving that up. Those dogs are just mindless slatherers, dogs are so obedient and pathetically adoring to their owners it wants to make you puke. You know, before I myself was wrenched away from my mom at such a young age, I’d cringe when I watched puppies in the orphanage desperate to be loved by wagging their stupid tails and all that. Now that’s not us cats is it Pebbles.

But because of all that harebrained loyalty dogs dollop out in great ladles of loathsome worship, owners then expect us kitties to do the same. When will cat owners finally learn that we cats are the ones who should dictate things, it’s never gonna be the other way around is it. Sure we can be just as loyal as any thick headed dog, we can outmatch them any time when it comes to a simple case of sucking up, that is until there’s a good chance of real good fish. Then it’s just a straightforward question of stuff that dried food crap that’s supposed to be nutritious, that tasteless melange that’s supposed to helps us clean our teeth, you’re probably gonna go for the fish.

But, as you may already know Pebbles, I’ve learned the hard way what it’s like to be unloved. My head too says go for the fish but the inside of my heart is saying to me something else. My little beating heart hurts so bad it must surely be some ancient thousand year old instinct from somewhere buried deep inside all us kitties, something that says to stay right where you know your food is gonna be safe. Discounted canned trash isn’t nice, we cats all know that, neither is that terrible dried shite we all have to endure but, you know, it keeps us alive. Fresh fish, even if it’s that line-caught Pacific salmon everyone keeps going on about surely isn’t gonna be there for you for ever. It might be to start off with but you already know in your heart what’s gonna happen next my little Pebbles. Tim’s gonna be out to lure you, that’s what fresh fish does, fresh fish is an age old trick to buy cat loyalty and sadly it succeeds way too often… and we Feline Angels are the ones left to pick up the pieces. 

So it’s a real tough one honey. Perhaps you think about what most cats do, why don’t you think about staying with that Steady Eddie, then playing away games whenever takes your fancy. Do you know what I mean? 🙀

When it comes to choosing men though, Mildred our friendly veterinary says to flip a coin. That’s what she does, either that or she does that eeny, meeny, miny moe kids nursery-rhyme thing. Mildred says that works every time.

Nellie The Ship’s Cat

September 2018

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The Eye-Candy Veterinary & The Pretty Lady… — 2018-09-06

The Eye-Candy Veterinary & The Pretty Lady…

Anonymous of Nottingham

Anonymous of Nottingham wants to play Cupid…

Dear Nellie,

I’ve got a worrying problem, I just hope you and your spiritual sisters from other misters can help.

I had one of those rough starts in life and ended up in an orphanage with LOADS of other cats. Then on one special day I’ll always remember, a really pretty lady came along to cast her eye over all of us and, even though I’d heard of cats being adopted and getting a better life, I wasn’t hopeful it would ever be me. If I can be perfectly honest with you Nellie, I’m one of those cats who carry a little bit of extra weight.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe my luck when the pretty lady picked me out of all the other cats and right now I’m like a pig in clover – so what’s the problem I hear you saying…?

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How Long Has He Got? — 2018-08-30

How Long Has He Got?


Dawn from Northern Ireland is worried about Baranoff…

Dear Nellie Cat,

I apologise for this rather stupid question, but this thing has been bothering me since I got back from a visit to the vet late last week. My Russian Blue Baranoff is fourteen years old now and we’ve found out that he’s suffering from Inflammatory Bowel Disease, which means he needs to be given daily doses of Corticosteroids that the vet has now prescribed. But getting Baranoff to take the medication has not been easy, so the vet showed me a way to pound the medicine into flavour tabs by adding pieces of fresh salmon. So far it works!

But my problem is this Nellie. I’m beside myself with worry and I’ve not slept a wink for the past few nights. The vet went to great lengths to explain that Baranoff would need to take the Corticosteroid medication daily for the rest of his life but then gave me only two weeks worth of supply.

Does this mean that Baranoff has only two weeks to live?

Dawn, Belfast, Northern Ireland

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Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm — 2018-08-28

Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm



Two down and three to go, can you help save these desperate little Moggies…?

Dear Nellie,

We’re collectively writing to you because we’re so desperate, I’m the spokes-cat for my two little sisters, two brothers and me. My name’s Nibbles, I’m slightly the oldest of we five kittens and we heard about you from one of the other farmyard cats hereabouts.

The terrible news is there’s only three of us now, we live on a sheep farm up in Cumbria and we lost our mom in a tractor accident a few weeks by. Now we are left to fend for ourselves. The old farmer up here put us in a cardboard box and stuck us in his barn saying we’d have to look after ourselves, telling us he was too busy with all the sheep on his farm. The farmer brings us food now and then, then we got suckled a day or two by another mom though she left coz she was only passing through. The other two farmyard cats here bring us a mouse sometimes, but not very often so by sticking together we just about get by.

Our problem Nellie is foxes. There’s a gang of foxes up by the culvert there and they’ve got a nose on us knowing we’re all helpless living here in our cardboard box… 

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Barney Got A Name For Gossip — 2018-08-27

Barney Got A Name For Gossip

Nellie the ship’s cat

Eric from Hawaii has a bad language problem…

Dear Nellie,

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you from Hawaii. 

I’m moored in the harbor down there in Honolulu and the sailboat tied right up next to me has a charming ship’s kitty named Barney who’s not very old. They also have a delectable little six year old daughter who’s name it’s best that I don’t divulge.

The little girl follows her father around like a sticky shadow whilst he’s working maintenance on their boat but I’ve noticed she’s picking up her father’s habit of using bad language whenever a boat job goes wrong. This in itself wasn’t too bad to begin with but lately I’ve noticed things are getting much worse. She’s constantly playing with their adorable Barney, which is no bad thing but yesterday I was lying on my bunk with the window hatch open and I happened to hear my neighbour’s young daughter using language to the kitty that a little girl of six really shouldn’t use…

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