Nellie The Ship’s Cat

The Feline Agony Aunt

Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak — 2018-08-25

Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak

Sheila From North London

Sheila from North London doesn’t know what to do…

Dear Nellie,

This isn’t really a kitty problem but my downfall came when I took our two female Burmese kittens Pebbles and Petunia to the vets for their first inoculations.

I left the house early so that I would have time to stop off at the vets to leave Pebbles and Petunia in their care before continuing to my work, I had arranged to collect them later in the afternoon on my way home. As usual I left my husband in the house watching the TV, he’s been out of work for the last four months since losing his job as a security guard.

After I left the house I hadn’t driven more than a mile when the engine suddenly died and the car shuddered to a halt. I had no option but to leave our dear little kittens on the rear seat in their pet carrier whilst I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I was in for a terrible shock, my husband was in a passionate embrace with our neighbour’s daughter.

I am 34, my husband is 36, and our neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years…

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Cabbages & Carrots — 2018-08-24

Cabbages & Carrots

Cabbage & Carrots, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Hammy From Norfolk’s Stinky Cabbages…

Dear Nellie,

You’re a cat, you tell me how I can keep my neighbour’s three moggies out of my cabbages. Next door’s cats are in my garden all the time, shitting and pissing all over the place making it stink and killing my green beans. I’m no lover of cats or dogs and I’ve been putting up with this for nearly ten years now, countless times I’ve argued with my neighbours over it but he’s six foot four and I’m only a bit over five foot. My wife says I’m paranoid because all day long I’m staring out the window waiting for their moggies to appear amongst my lettuces and sure enough there they are.

So you tell me what’s the best way to stop those cats killing my carrots.

Hammy Hambrook, Norfolk. August 2018

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Bengal Tiger Misery… — 2018-07-23

Bengal Tiger Misery…

Bengal Tiger Misery, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Duke & Daisy have it rough in Peurto Vallarta, Northwest Mexico…

Dear Nellie

We’ve heard stories about you fixing things for cats. Well does that mean you can fix stuff for all cats, cats like us?

Me and my sister, we’re two Bengal tigers and we’ve been held prisoners for nearly ten years now in a Mexican zoo. We gotta get outta here coz we’re going crazy. We just sit around all day in this miserable stinking hole whilst holiday making folk in their fancy hats just stand there staring at us with their stupid smiles. Both of us find it demeaning and it’s not what we’re supposed to do, we’re the top-notch of all cats and we got serious historic breeding inside us.

Me, one day I’m surely gonna get outta here but I’m worried about my sister…

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Mollie, The Moggie From Manchester… — 2018-07-18

Mollie, The Moggie From Manchester…

Mollie The Moggie From Manchester

Mollie The Moggie From Moss Side Has A Terrible Dilemma…

Dear Nellie

I’m desperate and don’t know what to do. Now I am four years old, a lone female moggy-cat living on the streets ever since my stupid owner lost his job, saying he could no longer afford to keep me and that I must quickly go. It took a while for me to realise I wasn’t loved anymore, the first sign was when I was let out of the apartment at nighttime without any food then told to go and find my own. Often I had to sit outside the door waiting to be let back in, usually in the cold pouring rain when sometimes I would sit under the shelter of the dustbins until daylight. I never found much food outside because I’ve always been an indoor cat, I don’t have those hunting instincts like other cats, when I did catch a mouse or a little insect nearly every time they escaped, other cats even laughed at me because I was so bad.

As time went by I got so hungry I even chewed my own tail…

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