Tell Me Your Cat Problems…
Every cat has a secret
Some of this stuff ain’t for the faint hearted an’ might set your pulses racing. You might laugh an’ you might cry. You can add your opinions, but just remember… too much gossip killed the cat. These cats an’ cat owners sure had some problems, but me an’ my agony angels got em sorted. If you’re a downhearted cat, or an owner with no one to turn to, then it makes sense to talk to us ship’s cats. All these cats and owners below forgot to tick the ‘Don’t Publish’ box which means we can share their problems with you – some cats did tick that box but their problems make too good reading. You can complain, but I gotta tell yer that Eight in every ten cats don’t like Kitekat…
My Name’s Kenny… and I’m an Addict!
Can anyone help poor Kenny, the cat from Kilkenny…?
Please Help! I Got No Insurance
“Well, if they both wanna holiday they should try bein’ stuck here in Panama, it’s where my ship is now. If I had some of that pet insurance I’d get myself outta this stinking rust bucket they call a ship, an’ outta this jungle mosquito hell hole an’ back to find my mom in England…”
Siamese, She Knows Everything
“What we all wanna know here is, what does your seventh Siamese sense do? This number seven, could it turn you a profit? An’ what’s a nemesis? We never even heard of a word called nemesis….”
How to Grow Some Fur
“We’re gonna help you honeybun, but you gotta stop that blurtin’. Me an’ my angels, we got the solution, an’ Mildred’s found some wonders of modern science…”
Mollie, the Moggy from Moss Side in Manchester
“Over the other side, there’ll be sunshine an’ Kitekat, an’ that really nice Whiskers food too. There’ll be nice lady cats with gentleman cats who’ll take care of you an’ show you what to do. It could be a new life for you on the other side, you can show that bastard bully cat that you showed him a thing or two.“
July – 2020
“First, let me tell ya, you gotta be there for your sister Daisy. My sisters in England weren’t hardly bothered about me when I got kidnapped, so you gotta realise how painful kidnapping can be. Does Daisy ever talk to you? Do you have the kinda relationship that family siblings should have?”
Cabbages & Carrots
“You could try one of those stupid electronic cat deterrent devices which emit ultrasonic sound waves, which are supposed to stop us kitties dead in our tracks – but ain’t yet heard any cat say they hear any noise that drives us insane.”
Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak
“Oh dear! Pebbles an’ Petunia really did go through it didn’t they. Have they been affected by the breakdown in the relationship between you an’ your husband? kitties are very sensitive to these things you know, an’ believe me, I should know!”
Barney Got A Name For Gossip
“As for Barney he could end up piggy-in-the-middle. You’re gonna have to make it up to him now that you got him into trouble. How about plenty of kitty treats, with lots of ‘friendly attention’ – Mexican dustbin cats know that kinda stuff.”
Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm
“Ain’t there a sheepdog around someplace who can just help you out? I mean, they’re miserable old goats sometimes but some of em ain’t too bad. Promise the dog something nice, dogs are suckers for stuff like that, or you could even learn to do that sheepdog whistle.”
How Long Has He Got?
“It’s not unusual for veterinaries to do this you know, it’s a sneaky way of telling you that maybe your kitty hasn’t got long to live – but at least you’ll have time to prepare, you could get in some of that nice Sheba.”
The Eye Candy Vet & My Pretty Lady
“She heard on the street there’s a cute new veterinary in town, so decided to help things along by trapping her tail in the door – coz her owner is all lonesome an’ lookin’ for love…”
Steady Eddie or the Lure of Fresh Fish?
“Pebbles from Coventry is worried! Paul or new man Tim… who seems to mysteriously disappear just when it begins to count…”
Did you know I’ve even got my own Facebook Page? If you click my link then Like an’ Share My Page, more people will know about how I was kidnapped an’ forced to become a Ship’s Cat against my will. I’ve got animal rights too you know.
Also, if you click that WordPress Follow button down there on the left you’ll automatically get updates whenever things go wrong on this ship.
You’ve gotta help me right?
No cats were harmed when I made this website. An’ please think of the environment, it’s the only one we got! An’ don’t use those electronic cat-scarers in your garden.