Every cat has a secret

Some of this stuff ain’t for the faint hearted an’ might set your pulses racing. You might laugh an’ you might cry. You can add your opinions, but just remember… too much gossip killed the cat. These cats an’ cat owners sure had some problems, but me an’ my agony angels got em sorted. If you’re a downhearted cat, or an owner with no one to turn to, then it makes sense to talk to us ship’s cats. All these cats and owners below forgot to tick the ‘Don’t Publish’ box which means we can share their problems with you – some cats did tick that box but their problems make too good reading. You can complain, but I gotta tell yer that Eight in every ten cats don’t like Kitekat…


Please Help! I Got No Insurance

“Well, if they both wanna holiday they should try bein’ stuck here in Panama, it’s where my ship is now. If I had some of that pet insurance I’d get myself outta this stinking rust bucket they call a ship, an’ outta this jungle mosquito hell hole an’ back to find my mom in England…”

May 2021


Nimbo from Newcastle, she learned on the veterinary’s cutting her owner didn’t pay the pet insurance. Read more…


Siamese, She Knows Everything

“What we all wanna know here is, what does your seventh Siamese sense do? This number seven, could it turn you a profit? An’ what’s a nemesis? We never even heard of a word called nemesis….”

April, 2021


Shabby, from North London, has a problem with her number seven. Read more…


How to Grow Some Fur

“We’re gonna help you honeybun, but you gotta stop that blurtin’. Me an’ my angels, we got the solution, an’ Mildred’s found some wonders of modern science…”

March, 2021


Read more about Nameless from the Shetland Isles, who’s at the end of her tether…



Mollie, the Moggy from Moss Side in Manchester

“Over the other side, there’ll be sunshine an’ Kitekat, an’ that really nice Whiskers food too. There’ll be nice lady cats with gentleman cats who’ll take care of you an’ show you what to do. It could be a new life for you on the other side, you can show that bastard bully cat that you showed him a thing or two.“

July – 2020


Read more about Mollie’s problems


Bengal Misery


“First, let me tell ya, you gotta be there for your sister Daisy. My sisters in England weren’t hardly bothered about me when I got kidnapped, so you gotta realise how painful kidnapping can be. Does Daisy ever talk to you? Do you have the kinda relationship that family siblings should have?”

July 2020


Read more about Duke & Daisy’s terrible secret


Cabbages & Carrots

“You could try one of those stupid electronic cat deterrent devices which emit ultrasonic sound waves, which are supposed to stop us kitties dead in our tracks – but ain’t yet heard any cat say they hear any noise that drives us insane.”

August 2020

Read more about Hammie’s green beans


Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak

Sheila From North London

“Oh dear! Pebbles an’ Petunia really did go through it didn’t they. Have they been affected by the breakdown in the relationship between you an’ your husband? kitties are very sensitive to these things you know, an’ believe me, I should know!”

September 2020


Sheila from North London doesn’t know what to do… read more


Barney Got A Name For Gossip

Nellie the ship’s cat

“As for Barney he could end up piggy-in-the-middle. You’re gonna have to make it up to him now that you got him into trouble. How about plenty of kitty treats, with lots of ‘friendly attention’ – Mexican dustbin cats know that kinda stuff.”

October 2020


Eric from Honolulu has a bad language problem… read more


Deadly Danger Up At Top Peak Farm

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“Ain’t there a sheepdog around someplace who can just help you out? I mean, they’re miserable old goats sometimes but some of em ain’t too bad. Promise the dog something nice, dogs are suckers for stuff like that, or you could even learn to do that sheepdog whistle.”

October 2020


Kind Old Ladies try to rescue endangered little kitties…


How Long Has He Got?

“It’s not unusual for veterinaries to do this you know, it’s a sneaky way of telling you that maybe your kitty hasn’t got long to live – but at least you’ll have time to prepare, you could get in some of that nice Sheba.”

October 2020


Read more about Dawn from Belfast, who’s worried about Baranoff…


The Eye Candy Vet & The Pretty Lady

NellyCat. Anonymous of Nottingham

“She heard on the street there’s a cute new veterinary in town, so decided to help things along by trapping her tail in the door – coz her owner is all lonesome an’ lookin’ for love…”

November 2020


Read more about the handsome vet an’ the lonesome lady…


Steady Eddie or the Lure of Fresh Fish?

“Pebbles from Coventry is worried! Paul or new man Tim… who seems to mysteriously disappear just when it begins to count…”

December 2020


Is the lure of fresh fish more fishy than Steady Eddie? Read more…


Did you know I’ve even got my own Facebook Page? If you click my link then Like an’ Share My Page, more people will know about how I was kidnapped an’ forced to become a Ship’s Cat against my will. I’ve got animal rights too you know.

Also, if you click that WordPress Follow button down there on the left you’ll automatically get updates whenever things go wrong on this ship.

You’ve gotta help me right?

No cats were harmed when I made this website. An’ please think of the environment, it’s the only one we got! An’ don’t use those electronic cat-scarers in your garden.