The Ship’s Cat

Feline Agony Angels

Barney Got A Name For Gossip — 2020-08-27

Barney Got A Name For Gossip

Nellie the ship’s cat

Eric from Hawaii has a bad language problem…

Dear Nellie Cat

Hope you do not mind me contacting you from Hawaii. I am an owner and my ship’s moored in the harbor down there in Honolulu. The sailboat tied right up next to me has a charming ship’s kitty named Barney who’s not very old and we’re good friends. They also have a delectable little six year old child, whose name is best I do not divulge.

The little girl follows her father around like a sticky shadow when he is working maintenance on their boat, but I have noticed she is picking up her father’s habit of using bad language whenever a boat job goes wrong. This in itself was not too bad to begin with but lately I have noticed things are slipping and getting much worse. She is constantly playing with adorable Barney, which is no bad thing but yesterday I was lying on my bunk with the window hatch open when I happened to hear my neighbour’s young daughter using language to the kitty that a little girl of six really should not use…

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Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak — 2020-08-25

Sheila’s Mechanical Heartbreak

Sheila From North London

Sheila from North London doesn’t know what to do…


Dear Nellie Cat

This isn’t really a kitty problem, but my downfall came when I took our two female Burmese kittens Pebbles and Petunia to the vets for their first inoculations. I am a cat owner, so I don’t feel too guilty in writing to you. Please believe that I’m desperate Nellie.

I left the house early so that I would have time to stop off at the vets to leave Pebbles and Petunia in their care before continuing to my work. I arranged to collect them later in the afternoon on my way home. As usual, I left my husband in the house watching the TV, he’s been out of work for the last four months since losing his job as a security guard.

After I left the house I hadn’t driven more than a mile when the engine suddenly died and my car shuddered to a halt. I tried to fix the car with what little knowledge I have, in the end I had no option but to leave our dear little kittens on the rear seat in their pet carrier whilst I walked the short distance home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I was in for a terrible shock, my husband was in a passionate embrace with our neighbour’s daughter.

I am 34, my husband is 36, and our neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years…

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Cabbages & Carrots — 2020-08-24

Cabbages & Carrots

Cabbage & Carrots, Nellie The Ship’s Cat

Hammy From Norfolk’s Stinky Cabbages…

Dear Nellie Cat,

You’re a cat, you tell me how I keep my neighbour’s three moggies out of my cabbages. Next door’s cats are in my garden all the time, shitting and pissing all over the place making it stink, they’re killing my green beans. I’m no lover of cats or those dogs, I’ve been putting up with this for nearly ten years, countless times I’ve argued with my neighbours but he’s seven-foot four and I’m only a bit over five foot. My wife says I’m paranoid, because all day I’m staring out our window waiting for those moggies to appear amongst my lettuces – and sure enough there they are.

So you tell me, what’s the best way to stop those cats killing my carrots.

Hammy Hambrook, Norfolk. August 2020

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Bengal Tiger Misery… — 2020-07-23

Bengal Tiger Misery…

Duke & Daisy hatch their escape from Mexico…

Dear Nellie Cat

We’ve heard rumours about you fixing things for cats. Well, does this mean you can fix stuff for all cats, cats like us? Big cats like us?

Me an’ my sister, we’re two Bengal tigers, we’ve been prisoners now for over ten years in this Mexican zoo. We gotta get outta here coz we’re goin’ crazy. We just sit around all day in this miserable stinking hole, while holiday folk in their fancy hats just stand there staring with their stupid smiles. Both of us find it demeaning an’ it’s not what we’re supposed to do, we’re the top-notch of all cats an’ we got some seriously historic breeding in us.

Me, one day I’m surely gonna get myself outta here, but I’m worried about my big sister Daisy.

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Steady Eddie or The Lure of Fresh Fish? — 2020-07-01

Steady Eddie or The Lure of Fresh Fish?

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Pebbles from Coventry is worried! Paul or new man Tim… who seems to mysteriously disappear…


Dear Nellie Cat

Hoping you or one of your angels can help me – you see I’ve got myself into a bit of a situation and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been with my owner Eddie for three years and in the beginning it was great, he was affectionate, always checking I was happy, buying me little gifts – nothing was too much trouble for my comfort. But gradually, over the years, he seems to care less and less. He was almost taking me for granted. There’s not so many belly rubs, I get those cheap brands of food from discount stores and the gifts have all but dried up.

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