I’m suffering, I’m having a really hard time…


First, if I start to talk bad language I’m sorry, I’m trying to cut out my foul mouth since I came to live with them. They stuck me in a tiny cage, now I’m on a rusting ship in Mexico. I didn’t even know what Mexico was until that horrid looking Mexican cat told me everything. I never even understood what he said until he figured out I wasn’t even Mexican. That dirty dustbin cat said the f-word all the time. I think he even said it in Mexican. He said a lot of horrid things in that stupid Mexican.

You see, I swear sometimes coz I was brought up pretty rough myself… but not as rough as those Mexican cats so I’m trying hard to fix the way I say things. You’ve gotta help me on this because I want to learn my manners. My mom talked rough coz she always had a bad time… you see, she was too thin an’ horribly scraggy, not eating much so’s we kids would get more food, I loved her an’ loved her, I loved her loads, I loved her more than meat an’ carrots, but then she suddenly let me leave when I was way too little to leave.

My dad, I didn’t know my dad, I didn’t even know who my dad was until my older sister who was born before me told me everything. He was one of those rough diamond cats, you know, one of those tough alley cats who was too handsome for his own good. He got all the girls including my mom. Did I ever tell you that everyone says I look just like my dad? My sisters both say he was so good looking an’ proud an’ not afraid of anything, he played tricks an’ ran rings around that horrible cat catcher. My dad told wonderful stories about when he was a prison cat, how he escaped when all the prison men dug their way out with that little teaspoon. He was ever so brave, all majestic like a vagabond prince an’ grey all over just like me. He had X-ray eyes, he could see all the way through things, he always rescued other cats an’ could even fly across the moon when all the girls are out there looking an’…

First I lived near the seaside, but then they came to take me away one horrible miserable dark black rainy night, the night I was kidnapped. There was thunder an’ lightning, the wind howled bad rattling all the doors an’ windows, there was a scream then someone sobbing an’ crying outside an’ all the other cats, all the other cats hid because they all knew what was gonna happen. Then they just did it. They just came in to that little shack place where we all lived, she cooed a lot an’ he just got out his wallet. It took me a while to figure things out coz I was only a little kitty – but do you know what he said? He said I was a boy cat an’ just the right grey colour to match their ship! Are you shocked? Can you believe he said this? Both my sisters looked at me all contrite coz they knew straightaway they’d be getting the rest of my food.

But me, now I’m lost an’ all alone an’ I don’t know what to dooooeeow… don’t you just see this? I was happy living near the sea with my straggly adorable mom who’s had too many kids – including my two especially ugly sisters, but them who took me must have figured that living there beside the sea would make me a good ship’s cat. Now where’s the logic in that? So there I was, in Mexico on a ship when I could’ve been back there in England where it’s nice an’ rainy an’ cool. I could’ve even stayed in that nice house with them but now, instead, I’m here in this ugly little ship that I’m always slipping an’ sliding around in. This’s why you cats don’t wanna be a ship’s cat.

Can I tell you some more about them? She’s nice, the lady, but I’m not sure about him, he’s got funny eyes an’ no hair… you know the sort I mean. She strokes my back then under my chin which I really like, then she gives me all my food. So I like her a lot an’ I think we’re gonna get along, I like her an awful lot except when she forgets to give me my food. And she likes it loads when I side up to her when I’m hungry. She’s easy-peasy an’ we get along just fine, but I’m not sure about him. He’s got that something we girl cats only sense when our other five senses are all tied up with other things.

I’m gonna be telling you all about things that happened in Mexico an’ everywhere else beyond. I’m sure gonna tell everyone everything that goes wrong on this heap of falling-apart scrap iron, have no doubt about this. Someone’s gotta know what’s happening, someone out there’s gotta be listening somewhere. Someone’s gotta help me get back to England somehow. It’s no proper place for a cat here in this rusting shit-hole, it’s noisy, I get wet all the time an’ sometimes they don’t even let me out because of the big stormy sea that’s all around.

An’ I don’t even have any ship knowledge. I’m supposed to be in charge of vermin an’ things like that, I don’t even like vermin, I don’t even know what vermin looks like coz I never found any. I remember I hate cockroaches though, coz I saw one of those when I was only a little kitty, but the thought of those rats an’ mice makes me shiver, even though I don’t know what they look like. Every night I have to wake up an’ go to work lookin’ for things I’m frightened of, other cats don’t have to do this, I bet my sisters don’t have to do this…

An’ the food? Did I ever tell you about Mexican food? It burns my mouth, it’s got things in it, the colour’s not right, eight out of ten cats would never eat it, it makes me shit a lot and stinks just like that Mexican dustbin cat who tried to kiss me. I told him to let me be, I’m only eleven months old for Christ sake…

I’m sure gonna be telling you about things here on this ship, everythin’ about when I was stuck there in Mexico. Please help meeeow. Please write letters an’ things, you could even start freedom campaigns an’ things like that. I’ll come an’ live with you, I’ll sleep on your knee all day an’ purrrrr whenever you stroke me, I’ll be your special cat who loves an’ adores you, there’s nothin’ I won’t do for you, all you have to do is get meeeow outta here…

Someone somewhere’s gotta listen. I gotta escape somehow, I’ve gotta get famous, if I can make myself a bit of money I can even get my own way back to England. I only need ten pounds…

How I became the world’s first Feline Agony Angel… Read more

Nellie, Mexico. June 2018.


Did you know I’ve even got my own Facebook Page? If you click my link then Like an’ Share My Page, more people will know about how I was kidnapped then forced to become a ship’s cat against my will. I’ve got animal rights too you know.

An’ I’ve got my own Feline Agony Angel thing going. It’s a sideline show with my Mexican sisters that’s growing fast, maybe to one day help me get back to England… you wouldn’t believe how many cats there are out there with problems.

Also, if you click that WordPress Follow button down there on the left, you’ll automatically get updates whenever things go wrong on this ship.

You’ve gotta help me right?

No cats were harmed when I made this website. An’ please think of the environment, it’s the only one we got! An’ don’t use those electronic cat-scarers in your garden.