First, if I start to talk bad language then I’m sorry, I’m trying to cut that out since I came to live with them, but they stuck me in a tiny cage and now I’m on a ship in Mexico. I didn’t even know what Mexico was until that horrible looking Mexican cat told me everything. I never even understood what he said until he figured out I wasn’t even Mexican. That dirty dustbin cat said the F-word all the time. I think he even said it in Mexican. He said a lot of horrid things in that stupid Mexican.

You see, I used to swear too much sometimes coz I was brought up pretty rough meself… but not as rough as these Mexican cats so I’m trying hard to mend the way I tell you things. You’ve gotta help me a lot on that because I want to learn my manners. My mom blasphemed a lot coz she’s always had a bad time… you see she was too thin and horribly scraggy, not eating enough so’s we kids would get more food, I loved her loads, I loved her ever so much but then she suddenly let me leave when I was way too little to leave.

My dad, I didn’t know my dad, I didn’t even know who my dad was until my older sister who was born a long time before me told me everything, he was one of those rough diamond cats, you know, one of those tough alley cats who was too handsome for his own good. He got all the girls including my mom. Did I ever tell you that everyone says I look just like my dad? My sisters both say he’s so good looking and proud and not afraid of anything, he plays funny tricks and runs rings around the horrible cat catcher, he tells wonderful stories about when he was a prison cat, how he escaped when all the prison men dug their way out with that little teaspoon. He’s ever so brave, all majestic like a vagabond prince and grey all over just like me, he has X-ray eyes and can see all the way through things, he always rescues other cats and can even fly across the moon when all the girls are out there looking and…

At first I lived near the seaside but then they came to take me away one horrible miserable dark black rainy night, the night I was kidnapped. There was thunder and lightning, the wind howled really bad rattling all the windows, there was a scream then someone sobbing and crying outside and all the other cats, all the other cats hid because they all knew what was gonna happen. Then they just did it. They just came in to that little apartment place where we all lived, she cooed a lot and he just got out his wallet. It took me a while to figure things out coz I was only a little kitty but do you know what he said? He said I was a boy cat and just the right grey colour to match the colour of their ship! Are you shocked? Can you believe he said that? Both my sisters looked at me all contrite coz they knew straightaway they’d be getting more of my food.

But me, now I’m lost and all alone and I don’t know what to dooooeeow… don’t you just see that? I was happy living near the sea with my straggly mom who’s had too many kids including my two especially ugly sisters, but they must have figured that living there beside the sea would make me a good ship’s cat. Now where’s the logic in that? So here I am, in Mexico on a ship when I could’ve been back there in England where it’s nice and rainy and cool. I could’ve even stayed in that nice house with them but now, instead, I’m here in this little ship that I’m always slipping and sliding around in. That’s why you cats don’t wanna be a ship’s cat.

Can I tell you some more about them? She’s nice, the lady, but I’m still not sure about him, he’s got funny eyes and no hair… you know the sort I mean. She strokes my back then under my chin which I really like then she gives me all my food. So I like her a lot and I think we’re gonna get along, I like her an awful lot except when she forgets to give me my food. And she likes it loads when I side up to her when I’m hungry. She’s easy-peasy and we get along just fine but I’m not sure about him. He’s got that something we girl cats only sense when our other five senses are all tied up with other things.

I’m gonna be telling you all about things here in Mexico and everywhere else beyond, and I’m sure gonna tell everyone everything that goes wrong on this ship, have no doubt about that. Someone’s gotta know what’s happening, someone out there’s gotta be listening somewhere. Someone’s gotta help me get back to England somehow. It’s no proper place for a cat here in this ship, it’s noisy, I get wet all the time and sometimes they don’t even let me out because of that big stormy sea all around.

And I don’t even have any ship’s experience. I’m supposed to be in charge of vermin and things like that, I don’t even like vermin, I don’t even know what vermin looks like coz I’ve never found any. I remember I hate cockroaches though because I saw one of those once when I was only a little kitty but the thought of those rats and mice makes me shiver, even though I don’t know what they look like. Every night I have to wake up and go to work searching for things I’m frightened of, other cats don’t have to do that, I bet my sisters don’t have to do that…

And the food? Did I tell you about Mexican food? It burns my mouth, it’s got things in it, the colour’s not right, eight out of ten cats would never eat it, it makes me shit a lot and stinks just like that Mexican dustbin cat who tried to kiss me. I told him to let me be, I’m only eleven months old for Christ sake…

I’m sure gonna be telling you about things here on this ship, everything about how I’m stuck here in Mexico. Please help meeeow. Please write letters and things, you could even start campaigns and things like that. I’ll come and live with you, I’ll sleep on your knee all day and purrrrr whenever you stroke me, I’ll be your special cat who loves and adores you, there’s nothing I won’t do for you, all you have to do is get meeeow outta here…

Someone somewhere’s gotta listen. I gotta escape somehow, I’ve gotta get famous, if I can make myself a bit of money I can even get my own way back to England. I only need ten pounds…

How I became the world’s first Feline Agony Aunt… Read more >

Nellie Nelson, Northwest Mexico. June 2018.

Did you know I’ve even got my very own Facebook Page? If you click my link then Like and Share My Page, more people will know about how I was kidnapped then forced to become a Ship’s Cat against my will. I’ve got rights too you know.

And I’ve got my own Feline Agony Aunt thing going. It’s a sideline show with my Mexican sisters that’s growing fast, maybe to one day help me get back to England… you wouldn’t believe how many cats there are out there with problems.

Also, if you click that WordPress Follow button down there on the left you’ll automatically get updates whenever things go wrong on this ship.

You’ve gotta help me right?